While catching up on Britni’s blog recently, I saw that I am having the exact opposite problem that she’s currently experiencing; I’m gaining weight.
This may earn me some enemies, but I fucking HATE gaining weight. The last time it happened to this degree, I was living in London. I gained 20 pounds.
I know better than to not talk about inches and pounds; it’s triggering to others and it’s triggering to me. Let’s just say that a few months back I was quite thin, and now I am….not quite as thin.
I CAN’T STOP EATING. Why? I wish I knew. It could be unhappiness, or boredom…maybe just plain giving up. Who knows.
My boss is obsessed with weight, he talks about it constantly. In the past few years he’s lost a tremendous amount of weight, which is great – I am glad he’s confident. And, you know, I can laugh about purging or how skinny bodies get so cold, or any number of shallow, stupid remarks – but now it’s just getting old. I feel exhausted. I feel like I’ve spent a good deal of my adult life coasting on whatever luck or genetics bestowed upon me. And now I might need to face what it’s like to not be so “lucky.”
I know I am in trouble because I have found myself walking the line of self-destruction. Thinking about contacting old drug-dealing friends, wishing I lived alone so I could throw up as much as I liked – just not wanting to be watched.
Along with this comes the stifling guilt that emerges from just feeling like a complete asshole. Disconnected, self-absorbed, indulgent. Feeling envious of a girl who is going through some shitty shit.
I never intended to use this blog as a medium for crapping my insecurities, and I don’t plan on it being that vehicle. But, sometimes a person just needs to unload, and hope that maybe someone is listening.
UPDATE – I promise to never again write on this blog after a bottle of wine. I wish I could delete the post but some of you have been so nice. Thanks for listening to my rambling….