Up And Up And Up She Goes

While catching up on Britni’s blog recently, I saw that I am having the exact opposite problem that she’s currently experiencing; I’m gaining weight.

This may earn me some enemies, but I fucking HATE gaining weight. The last time it happened to this degree, I was living in London. I gained 20 pounds.

I know better than to not talk about inches and pounds; it’s triggering to others and it’s triggering to me. Let’s just say that a few months back I was quite thin, and now I am….not quite as thin.

I CAN’T STOP EATING. Why? I wish I knew. It could be unhappiness, or boredom…maybe just plain giving up. Who knows.

My boss is obsessed with weight, he talks about it constantly. In the past few years he’s lost a tremendous amount of weight, which is great – I am glad he’s confident. And, you know, I can laugh about purging or how skinny bodies get so cold, or any number of shallow, stupid remarks – but now it’s just getting old. I feel exhausted. I feel like I’ve spent a good deal of my adult life coasting on whatever luck or genetics bestowed upon me. And now I might need to face what it’s like to not be so “lucky.”

I know I am in trouble because I have found myself walking the line of self-destruction. Thinking about contacting old drug-dealing friends, wishing I lived alone so I could throw up as much as I liked – just not wanting to be watched.

Along with this comes the stifling guilt that emerges from just feeling like a complete asshole. Disconnected, self-absorbed, indulgent. Feeling envious of a girl who is going through some shitty shit.

I never intended to use this blog as a medium for crapping my insecurities, and I don’t plan on it being that vehicle. But, sometimes a person just needs to unload, and hope that maybe someone is listening.

UPDATE – I promise to never again write on this blog after a bottle of wine.  I wish I could delete the post but some of you have been so nice.  Thanks for listening to my rambling….

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6 Responses to “Up And Up And Up She Goes”

  1. Kivrin Says:

    I am right there with you. I was naturally very thin for the first, oh, 25 years of my life. Like to the point where people used to accuse me of being anorexic (although I definitely never was). Only recently have I begun to realize, Hey, you can’t eat ice cream before bed without gaining weight…and it kinda sucks. I haven’t thought of turning to any self-destructive behaviors, mostly because (a) I cannot make myself throw up (I’ve tried a few times when I was feeling nauseous), and (b) I’m a wimp. So far I’m just trying to work out regularly and be more conscious of what I eat. But right now I’m just managing to maintain a weight that is about 10 lbs heavier than where I’d like to be…and it sucks.

    Anyway, I’ll shut up…but I just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain, and I, too, feel like an ass for complaining when I’m still on the low end of normal BMI.

  2. Britni Says:

    I understand how you are feeling. The weight I am at now is where I was in high school– naturally. When I first put on weight I didn’t feel right in my new skin and at my new size. Now that I have lost the weight again, I WANT to put it back on and I tell myself that I want to gain at least 10 pounds, but I have to wonder if I really do. Part of me realizes how little I eat, how weak I feel, and think, “I wonder if this is what it feels like to live with an eating disorder.” I go on two day benders where I don’t eat at all and think, “I guess I’m not gaining weight THIS week.” I’ve never had issues with my weight until I lost it. And now I feel self destructive thoughts creeping in. And I don’t like it.

    You are beautiful, but if you are unhappy with your weight, you know there are healthy ways to rectify it. As someone who has never weighed more than 120 pounds, I know that it can seem a daunting task and one that could be fixed so much easier with a self destructive behavior here, and a shortcut there. But you are also smart enough to know that that is the worst thing for you. It’s only natural to feel the way that you are feeling though, and I understand completely.

    That was long.

  3. Laura (pinkybella) Says:

    I understand what all 3 of you are going through. I am naturally thin and also very tall. I have put on a few pounds, but I think it was from Zoloft. Stay strong, Penny. Please don’t go down the destructive path. It breaks my heart when people hurt themselves. I have had too many friends and family members do it. And while, yes, I am an internet stranger, I feel that you are a friend.

    You are smart, you know that you’ll be much happier if you stick to a natural, healthy alternative to losing weight. Shortcuts and self-harming will only make you feel worse about yourself. Ok, I’ll stop trying to be a therapist now.

    Anyways, I guess my main point is that you have people supporting you and wanting you to be healthy and not hurt.

    Stay strong!!!!

  4. Sukie Says:

    Please don’t look at the weight gain like a bad thing. Your body naturally wants food. Eating is a Good Thing. (It’s the contents of the food that are up for debate sometimes)

    Don’t try to be thin because of the expectation of others, media or even the expectations your acquaintances might put on themselves.

    Please. I say this from experience. Finally, after 10 years, I have accepted the notion that my pants size is no matter. To quote one of my least favorite people – “it is a non-issue”

    I wish I was a psychiatrist so I could help more completely and professionally but I’m just one who’s had a similar experience…

    Take care of yourself sweetheart, that’s the most important.

  5. Melissa (AthertonMerriweather) Says:

    I’m a recovered/recovering bulimic and I sympathize with you. It’s an everyday struggle not to fall back into old habits. One thing my therapist told me that I always try to remember is that it’s not the food or the taste of food that is the issue. There’s another issue that needs to be dealt with. Food is a temporary escape. Take care of yourself and focus on your friends, family and activities you enjoy. It might help you get your mind off things and take away some of the bad feelings your having.

  6. Maeg Says:

    This is your place. Yours, not ours.

    If that means that you take the occasional moment to vent, even if it is induced by bottle of wine, then that is your absolute, incontrovertible right.

    Thankfully, it seems that we – the guests in this house you have made – are warm and wonderful and supportive. That is the least of what you deserve.

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